The Science Behind 2012
You’re adopted. We’re all adopted in fact. Let me explain.
If you look up into the night sky on a very dark night (with little surrounding light pollution), you will notice that most of the stars are grouped together in a band that cuts diagonally across the blackness. What you’re looking at is the Milky Way, or what we have lovingly referred to over the centuries as Home.
The thing is, that’s not our Galaxy. We actually belong to a different Galaxy with the not-so-homely name, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy (or SagDEG). The Milky Way, it turns out, is something of a bully and has been viciously gnawing away at our Galaxy for the past… um…. well, for a very long time. The upshot of this is that our solar system has been kidnapped, and now lives with it’s new family in the Milky Way.
So what does this mean? Surely there’s repercussions? We can’t possibly jump from one galaxy to another without stuff happening.
As it turns out, lot’s of observable changes to our solar system have been going on as a result of this cosmic ass-banditry. As energy levels shift, scientists have noticed polar shifts on Neptune and Pluto, auroras on saturn, clouds forming along Mars’ equator, 1st Stage Atmosphere generation on the moon, but more astonishingly of all, an increase in temperatures on all planets in our solar system. Or to put it another way, Global Warming on Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto (I still love you), Haumea, Makemake, and Eris.
WTFFFF*? So the cause of global warming comes from outer space? Also, how come we have 13 planets now?
Wait, it’s gets worse. Like me, you may have noticed that there’s been a fair few earth quakes this year. Loads it seems. Also, if like me you’ve seen that movie 2012, you’re shitting yourself because this is like, totally what happened in that movie before everything went bat shit crazy! Could this have anything to do with SagDEG? You bet your fricking balls it does. You know how with all the 2012 conspiracies they revolve around the Mayan calendar? Well they do. Anyway, the Mayan Calendar (apparently the most accurate in the world) takes it’s cues from Pleiades which the Mayans used to gauge our precession through the universe. Due to the convergence between SagDEG and the Milky Way , the read-point(???) of Pleiades will no longer be a constant, which apparently is why the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. Whatever that means, it sounds to me like the Mayans knew a bit more than we thought they did about the end of Days.
So to summarize. We’re all adopted, and we’re all going to die in the way Roland Emmer- er- rer- urm…. ric depicted in last years epic block buster disaster movie that critics are calling “Good” and “A Movie”. Own it on DVD
All of this this is, of course, complete arse water of the highest order. The debate over where our solar system originated is still raging, SagDEG is unlikely to be the cause of global warming and the Mayan calendar does not predict the end of the world. This was originally going to be an April fools day post, but I completely forgot about it. Anyway, back to work for me.
*What the Fuckity Fuck Fuck fuck
